Welcome Self Compassion: A Meditation
Welcome Self Compassion: A Meditation by Shelley Craig
Let’s start and get ourselves present and grounded with a meditation:
First, get comfortable and notice your breath, what does it feel like? If is short or long, are you breathing from your chest or stomach? Take a moment to just notice and when you are ready close your eyes. Check to see if there is any tension you need to relax or notice. Do your best to release that tension. you aren’t doing it wrong, try not to judge how you or your body feels just notice.
Now as continue to notice your breathing, remember a time, person or event where you felt loved and held with compassion. Maybe a close friend or special event. Notice how that makes you feel, how your body feels, maybe it brings a smile to your face.
Continue to stay in that space with these feelings of love & compassion and if an uncomfortable feeling arises notice it, welcome it, just try to notice not dwell there. Greet it as an old friend or teacher, just don’t let it carry you away from the present.
While you continue to breath open yourself to an invitation to compassion be saying our loud or in your heart, “Welcome” as you breath in, “Compassion” as your exhale.
Just notice your breath, your feelings and don’t try to change anything Just notice.
Now bring your attention back to your room, notice the air the sounds, maybe wiggle your toes or fingers and when you are ready open your eyes.
We have all heard of compassion for others. Does anyone know what self-compassion is?
As we grieve, a practice that can help us during our grief is self-compassion:
It may feel radical, but self-compassion is the practice of being kind to yourself and when confronted with personal failings or painful feelings working to understand them.
Instead of immediately going to the negative space in your head, you stop and recognize what is happening.
This may sound a little too simple and a little too self-important, but it’s not:
Self-Compassion is not self-pity.
Self-Compassion is not self-indulgence.
Self-Compassion is not self-esteem.
Let me give you an exercise to explain:
Close your eyes and reflect on a moment on the following question:
Think about a time when you had a close friend who was struggling in some way, had misfortune, failed or felt inadequate, and you were feeling pretty good about yourself. How do you typically respond to your friend in this type of situation? What do you say? What’s your tone or how do you say it?
Now take moment and write down some of those things, how you said them, how did you feel . . .
Now close your eyes again and reflect on these questions:
Think about a time when you were struggling in some way, had misfortune, failed or felt inadequate, and you were feeling pretty good about yourself.
How do you typically respond to yourself in this type of situation?
What do you say in your head? What’s your tone or how do you say it?
Write down what you discovered . . .
Finally, consider the differences between how your treat your close friends and when they are struggling and how your treat yourself. What do you notice, are there any patterns?
What is different? Why? What leads you to treat yourself and others so differently?
What if you responded to yourself in the same way, you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering? Why not try treating yourself like a good friend and see what happens?
Self-compassion is a practice of goodwill not feeling good:
If we try and use it to make us feel better and suppress our feelings it most likely will backfire.
Self-compassion isn’t afraid of feelings; practicing it can help us face the feelings and help remind us that imperfection is part of being human. It is a gentle reminder to love ourselves as we experience the difficulties of life.
As you begin practicing self-compassion, your pain may become intense at first:
We call this phenomena backdraft, a firefighting term that describes what happens when a door in a burning house is opened – oxygen goes in and flames rush out.
A similar process can occur when we open the door of our hearts – love goes in and old pain comes out.
Love reveals everything unlike itself. As we practice self-compassion and being intentional in experiencing our feelings we can begin to heal.
Healing doesn’t mean the grief is over, it just changes.
And if our feelings and emotions become too much, self-compassion can remind us to take a step back, pause and reflect.
Then once the emotions have been recognized, you may start to give yourself what you need.
An essential ingredient of self-compassion and giving yourself what you need is self-forgiveness:
Even though the details differ, all humans face grief and loss and vulnerability and failure. And we are all doing the best we can, given the circumstances of our life.
We may be hard on ourselves when we feel as if we are not adjusting to our loss as we believe we should.
We might believe that there is a “right way” to grieve, and that we are doing it wrong. Self-criticism ensues. It is a very common response.
Grief, a natural reaction to loss, suddenly becomes a sign of personal failure:
We aren’t doing it right. This can get in the way of self-compassion, but it can also be a springboard for self-compassion. What can get in the way can also be the gateway in.
If you catch yourself evaluating how well you are grieving, remember that grief is messy.
It isn’t supposed to be quick or easy. And there is no right way to do it. Your grief is as unique as the relationship you have with the person that died.
Another way to work with your feelings in self-compassion is to look at them in curiosity. “I wonder where this is coming from? What is it trying to tell me?”
Remember the kindness that you offer to a friend and try to offer yourself that same kindness. It can help.
Shelley Craig is the Program Director for Faith and Grief Ministries, a formal partner of Retreat House. She offered this meditation during and an interfaith prayer offering at RH. You can watch this guided meditation here.