Healing Power of Story: A Glimpse Inside Faith and Grief
Rev. Dr. Fran Shelton receives a bouquet of flowers annually on October 9. Her youngest daughter sends them each year in remembrance of Shelton’s husband Bob.
This was not the date of Bob’s death, instead it is the day Bob started his life - Oct. 9 is Bob’s birthday.
“Many times, in both religious and non-religious mainstream cultures, the anniversary of a person’s death is marked - maybe through calls, cards, etc.,” Shelton says. “While a nice gesture, it isn’t really what a grieving person wants. They want to remember the person’s life and love - they want to keep their story alive.”
Shelton is one of the founders of Faith and Grief Ministries, a 501 (c) 3 non-profit based in Dallas, Texas with national and due to an expanded virtual reach in response to the pandemic, now some international participation. Through workshops, programs and other gatherings, Faith and Grief provides a place for those who have experienced loss to share their story and connect with others who are grieving.
Retreat House Spirituality Center has worked closely with Faith and Grief throughout the past four years to offer this ministry of healing to our community as well as others in the larger Dallas/Fort Worth area. We recently connected with both Shelton and Faith and Grief Program Director Shelley Craig to learn more about their work, the grief process and also gained insights into the overall, collective grief experienced in 2020 and into 2021 as we continue to navigate the trauma and losses from COVID-19.
“I knew from my own personal experience with grief, the only real way to find comfort when grieving is to open yourself up to others,” shares Craig. “So many times when you are grieving, it feels like you are the only one.”
Bridge
One powerful tool when processing grief is to express feelings, and many times, this is helpful to do in groups. We are able to find common threads in our experiences and this makes us feel less alone.
Shelton reminds us that while we all are uniquely and creatively made in God’s image, we are also all very much human and not that different from one another, at least in the way in which life’s joys and sorrows will meet us all - at one point or another. Oftentimes, there’s desire or belief that our life or circumstances are drastically different than our neighbors. We think in terms of absolutes - oh, I must be the only one.
Perhaps there’s more of a connection between us when we stop to listen and ask, to notice, to learn.
“People need to give expression to their stories,” Shelton says. “It is helpful when we look for invitations to ask people how they are feeling and what they are thinking.”
Each Friday during the pandemic, Shelton has gathered with a group of three other women to play bridge. Alternating between outdoor porches and driveways, the bond between these women has deepened. They were great friends prior to this past year, but going through the trauma that has been 2020 opened up a new part of them, a shared story that wasn’t there previously.
Discovering nuances like not being the only one who doesn’t make their bed everyday or not taking a shower for three straight days due to the recent snow and ice storm in Dallas can bring people closer together and help us realize we are not alone. Shelton reminds us that it is important to get people to talk.
“Don’t be afraid to ask questions,” She says. “We find comfort in knowing that what we are going through is shared.”
Inviting others to recall a time when they’ve persevered through a similar experience and noticing how they came out on the other side is an effective way to highlight the resiliency one has within. If you’re in a position of supporting someone who is grieving, it can be encouraging and helpful to them to be reminded that they can apply that same character, strength and emotional muscle memory to their current situation.
“Folks can look back and think ok, I got through that experience,” Shelton says. “I have that within me and I’m capable of getting through this, too.”
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted
Grieving and mourning are not the same.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted,” one of the Christian Beatitudes found in the Bible’s Matthew 5:4, speaks of sadness and loss, but it isn’t talking about grief. It doesn’t say blessed are those who grieve.
Shelton helps us make sense of this.
“Grief is an automatic, emotional response to unbidden circumstance(s),” she says. “Mourning takes place after you’ve told the story several times and start to make new choices in your life.”
Shelton remembers when her husband first died, she discussed the details of his death and losing him in great detail, but over time, she began to integrate stories of Bob’s life into the new life she was creating. We can look to Fran’s example and story as, together, we begin to emerge from this time of lockdown and quarantine and begin to navigate a new life forward.
For some of us, before 2020, we might have geared up to have friends over for dinner, spent hours to prepare a meal ensuring our home looked perfect. Now, we might consider ordering in for guests Or, maybe we give ourselves permission to sleep 30 minutes longer in the mornings, as we’re working from home and commutes have been eliminated.
“Almost all of us our in mourning right now, all of us who are living with and through a pandemic,” Shelton says. “And, while the losses look different for each of us, every individual is being invited to appreciate a new way of life. Yes, the joy of going into an office has been taken away but now folks get to enjoy putting on a shirt and tie with sweatpants.”
And, what is normal, really?
Shelton’s recollections of one of her sister’s favorite Episcopalian sayings is oh so resonate: There is a longing for the way things were even though it never was.
It is complex
Most modern-day Western cultures have not made space or incorporated death and grief into the overall narrative of life, but the pandemic has pushed both of these to the forefront.
“We as a culture, have done an excellent job of putting death on the backburner,” Craig says. “We do everything we can to not get old, and we typically haven’t talked about dying. It has been more of a taboo topic.”
In generations past as well as in non-Western societies, death is very much part of life. We only have to go back 100 years, except in the case of maybe war or another tragedy, to notice that it wasn’t abnormal for people to die at home surrounded by their loved ones. Death was embraced and discussed as a celebrated and expected part of the human experience.
Craig says she believes that one of the reasons this time of pandemic has been so challenging is due to the lack of familiarity in talking about end of life.
“When we experience grief, whether it be from a job loss or death of a spouse of friend, we don’t have the words and experience around grief the way we used to,” she says. “It has made this time really hard for us.”
While there’s certainly a learning curve for many of us in this area, Craig says one of the silver linings of COVID is witnessing more end of life conversations. Even for those who haven’t lost a family member during this time, folks have been prompted to think and talk about their end of life wishes. We are starting to develop more of a language around this part of life, and that is healthy and good. And, as Shelton shared, people are getting more comfortable sharing their real stories, which ultimately has the power to bring us closer.
She also affirms that even if we haven’t had someone close to us die during the pandemic, we are all experiencing complex grief.
“Complicated or complex grief is when we go through loss upon loss, it is compounded,” Craig says. “This type of grief is oftentimes tied to disenfranchisement - a type of grief marked by a lack of ritual of closure events like a funeral or maybe even a celebratory event like a wedding.”
We’ve all lost something
We’ve all lost something this year is a phrase we’ve been accustomed to hearing lately. We have. And, each loss deserves to be grieved.
Some possible losses in addition to a death include:
Losing our normality, even having to wear a mask has been difficult for some
Missing congregating in person for religious worship services
Job loss and a loss of livelihood. This can be a significant loss in many ways and connects to the loss of future plans.
Loss of seeing friends and family in person
Loss of rituals like graduations, weddings and funerals
For those who experienced a loss before the pandemic like a child going off to college for the first time or even the loss of a pet, their grief is compounded by these other losses. And, of course, the loss of life due to COVID as well as deaths caused by old-age, sickness and other accidents have made this a time of complexity.
“Grief is anything you care about that you lose,” Craig explains. “Some losses are big, some are smaller. It is not a competition as to what is valid. They all are.”
Something else to keep in mind this past year is expectation. Many of us are grieving plans and ideas that didn’t get to come into fruition, and now, maybe they never will. Perhaps international travel for a retired couple is now off the table indefinitely. Or, maybe someone who is single and desires to date and find a partner, hasn’t been able to. All of these seemingly, ordinary desires, when out of our control to pursue can certainly be grieved. We lose what we thought was going to happen, we lose a dream.
This type of grief is oftentimes seen in Craig’s work.
“We see a lot of grief regarding relationships,” she says. “Sometimes, when a parent dies, the child can grieve the relationship they wish they had had with their mom and dad just as much or even more than they actually grieve their death. They grieve what will never be.”
Both Shelton and Craig recommend familiarizing with the stages of grief and also being gentle with ourselves, as the grieving process is not linear:
Shock and denial. This is a state of disbelief and numbed feelings.
Pain and guilt.
Anger and bargaining.
Depression.
The upward turn.
Reconstruction and working through.
Acceptance and hope.
There is no way to fix grief, but it can come and go. Sometimes it might seem intense, and other days we might feel perfectly fine.
“The image of the ocean so many times comes up for me when I think of grief,” Craig says. “Somedays it feels like we are floating in the current and others days it is like we are caught in a tsunami and treading water, unable to keep up.”
How we live is how we grieve
There is no one way to grieve.
Craig recalls a story of two sons coming to her with concern for their mother who was shopping frequently after the passing of their father. Craig’s question back to the sons: Did she shop when your father is alive?
She had always shopped. It was part of who she was. Craig encouraged this woman’s grown children to take heart.
“People grieve how they live,” she says. “If someone is very stoic before their loss, they will likely grieve in a stoic way. If someone is emotional typically, they’ll probably be pretty emotional as they grieve, if someone shopped a lot before, they’ll shop a lot after.”
There is no way to take grief away.
We might have good intentions for consoling a friend or family member who has recently lost someone close to them, or who has even lost a job, but sometimes those closest to us aren’t the best resource for processing grief.
While niceties like they’re in a better place, or I’m so glad they’re up in heaven, or everything happens for a reason aren’t intended to cause harm, they can make people who are grieving feel worse.
Church communities and/or work colleagues oftentimes feel scared to name the event that is causing the grief of their friend or co-worker. While they mean well, this can feel like skirting around the issue and leaves the person who is hurting feeling more isolated and alone. It can be hard to know what to say.
Shelton recalls wanting others to speak up and approach her in a more real way after her husband’s passing.
“When Bob died, I remember wanting people to say his name,” Shelton says. “There’s power in this. We’ve seen this same desire and sentiment emerge this year in the Black Lives Matter movement of Say Their Names.”
And by saying the person’s name in conversation and through story, it allows that person’s love to stay alive in you, Shelton says. This is part of the mourning process.
Perhaps there’s also invitation to name what we’ve lost during the pandemic? I lost a year of travel. I lost time with my grandkids. I lost a year without meeting new people are all possible loss, and the list goes on.
Healing power of story
In Thomas Attig’s How We Grieve: Relearning the World, he talks about the healing power of story and helps us make connection with words and phrases related to death and dying:
In the old-fashioned days, the hearse would drive around town. The word hearse comes from the Latin word harrow, which is a garden tool.
“Every time you rehearse, or tell a story, you are digging up contents of your soul and heart,” Shelton says. “You are digging up dirt to make room for new things to grow.”
In April 2008, Faith and Grief hosted is first gathering at Preston Hollow Presbyterian Church in Dallas. Participants were invited to sit at tables to share a meal. A minister welcomed their grief into the arms of faith, offered a prayer and read a piece of scripture followed by someone sharing their story of grief. Shelton remembers encouraging the speaker to not use platitudes - she wanted it to be authentic.
Thirteen years later, Faith and Grief still offers these monthly gatherings, where guests are invited to share their stories.
Everyone is welcome.
“Some folks are ready to attend one of our gatherings two weeks after their loss, while some might need to wait 2 months or even 2 years,” Craig says. “We will never make anyone talk until their ready, however. Some people just like to come and listen, and that is perfectly fine. Sometimes the emotion has to subside before talking can begin.”
Shelton speaks of the fullness offered through grief:
“I believe that we grow spiritually through encounters with sorrow,” Shelton says. “And sorrow carves out places in our earthen vessels that have been filled up with ego, vanity, envy. But sorrow and grief rips all of those things away to you have an even larger container in which to experience joy.”
For They Shall Be Comforted was written by Trained Spiritual Director and Writer Emily Turner. She would love to hear from you.
For those who are interested in a less ongoing commitment, Faith and Grief also offers eight-week workshops as well as retreats. Visit their website to learn more about these events as well as other ministries offered through this work. You can also read more about their history here as well as virtual offerings and in cities throughout the United States in addition to Dallas.
Resource on how to support someone who is grieving.
In non-Western cultures,