Night Before Day: A Look Inside the Dark with Jana Rentzel
A sense of disconnectedness from all that you once valued. Perhaps a strong desire to isolate. Or, maybe you’re craving a deeper meaning. You might have a vision or deep yearning for your external circumstances to match your internal world - you begin to look for ways to detox your space and environment. You want to simplify. You could even feel empty inside. You might feel a loss of hope.
Do any or all of these sensations and experiences sound familiar? You could have gone through or are going through a Dark Night of the Soul. Many times, mistaken for clinical depression, this term refers to a spiritual depression, which is not chemically induced but instead part of the transformation process to spiritual wholeness first articulated by 16-century Spanish Mystic St. John of the Cross in his poem, which describes this state of nothingness and detachment, and fittingly doesn’t have a title but so descriptively paints a picture of Dark Night.
While this term and experience is widely recognized as sacred and a part of the spiritual journey in most contemplative circles, it is not openly discussed in mainstream religion. This can leave us in a sort of confusion or panic when we find ourselves on this part of the path. Retreat House Spirituality Center recently connected with Jana Rentzel, PhD, spiritual psychologist and spiritual director, to learn more about Dark Night.
She certainly shed some light on this extremely personal, yet universal topic and experience. We are grateful.
RH: In your own words, what did Dark Night actually feel like? How long did it last?
JR: My long, Dark Night was like an interminably vacuous black hole in which I felt no sense of spiritual support or connection. I sometimes described it as feeling like I had fallen off of my "tribe’s” spaceship and was floating alone in the infinite, black emptiness of deep space, with nothing for eternity that could hear or see me. I would plead ceaselessly for God to bring me Home, even as I was certain that God couldn’t hear me.
I spent endless, untold hours in this state over the course of several decades. I found that sharing this with my family (who hadn’t a clue as to what I was talking about) left me feeling shame - that something must just be wrong with me - and so I learned to keep my dark inner experience to myself. I isolated a lot as a result.
RH: When did you first become familiar with the term Dark Night of the Soul? What was your experience?
JR: It took about twenty years for me to say enough to my doctor about what was going on in my inner world for him to suggest that I might be dealing with depression. But when the prescribed medications didn’t work, my shame was confirmed – it was just something fundamentally wrong with me.
Soon after, I stumbled upon the concept of Dark Night of the Soul in some of my reading. Because my experience was always centered on God – feeling painfully separated from God and begging God to “recall” me – this spiritual explanation of my ongoing experience really fit for me.
RH: Why are many spiritual leaders using the terminology spiritual depression when we have the spiritual language dark night? I find it confusing and possibly harmful to those who are struggling with clinical diagnoses of depression, especially chemical imbalances. Can you speak to this sensitive balance of clinical depression versus a Dark Night of the Soul?
JR: I agree with you regarding the confusion of clinical depression and a Dark Night of the Soul. It’s understandable because there are many overlapping symptoms and characteristics between the two, and they sometimes coexist. When experiencing the absence of a felt sense of God’s presence, one’s sense of self will also seem to be annihilated. Should this occur over a significant period of time, the effects of a dark night and depression can certainly merge.
And so I consider it an ethical duty, either as a therapist or as a spiritual director, to raise the possibility that a client/directee talk to their physician about their symptoms. If indeed the symptoms have merged, it can be quite difficult for the transformative effects of a dark night to unfold if clinical depression has taken root.
This was certainly the case with me. My underlying depression caused me to be stuck in both stages of my dark night - senses and spirit - and over time and for many reasons, I became reluctant to try medication. It wasn’t until I was in my late forties that I finally tried a medication that was effective. Once the chemical imbalance of my depression was addressed, I became able to move through the dark night accordingly.
RH: The Darkness is not many times welcomed or discussed in mainstream Christian culture. We are given an RX to fix the experience. What is your sentiment to welcoming the darkness?
JR: I began to understand that the Dark Night was an integral part of my inner spiritual journey back to connection with God. Seeking a path that would take me there and having no knowledge at that time of the Christian contemplative path, I explored the Buddhist approach to meditation and to the process of dying, death and the afterlife. I studied and practiced under The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche and Who Dies? by Stephen Levine. I completed a 10-year intensive esoteric study and teacher training of the Ancient Wisdom Teachings. I studied Native American cosmology with the Hopi Indians, I earned a masters in Transpersonal Psychology, did my internship as a hospice counselor, got a doctorate in Spiritual Psychology and created a mind-body-spirit program for those nearing death, which I put into practice as a chaplain resident at Baylor University Medical Center at Dallas. More recently, I discovered (to my delight), the rich tradition of Christian mysticism and contemplative prayer. As I began to practice centering prayer daily, layer after layer of my protracted dark night experience began to peel back, ultimately revealing innermost light, with its gifts of God’s eternal joy and immutable love. With this discovery, I truly felt home. I had discovered the eternal light that shines from within the heart of all darkness. I now deeply respect the richness of the Dark Night and its fruits.
RH: Is Dark Night a universal experience?
JR: Yes. Throughout all of the world’s major spiritual traditions, there exists some sort of darkness that we must all journey through in order to find the true, eternal light. I heartily believe that this light within the darkness is what we’re all after - this is what we are all seeking. We find transitory nuances of love and joy in our outer lives, which we often settle for, but our ultimate yearning in this ever-present divine love and light and joy that abides at our innermost core, where we are one with God in love.
RH: Is it necessary that to find this internal joy, we all must travel through some sort of Dark Night?
Yes. I am convinced, through my own experience as well as those of hundreds of people that I have accompanied through their crises, that our spiritual journey requires some sort of Dark Night of the Soul. Whether it’s a four-decade journey like mine, a human tragedy that strips us of that which we hold most dear – a loved one, our health, etc. - this innermost light can only be found within the darkness of losing ourselves – of being stripped bare of who we thought we were. We must die to our false self in order for our true self to come to life. This is the way. Before becoming resurrected into the light of God, we must die and descend into “hell,” i.e., into the darkness of that which perceives itself as separate from God.
RH: Is there a way to avoid going through a Dark Night or would that just make the pain worse?
JR: If we avoid the Dark Night, we will never discover who we truly are in and with God. We will never realize our true potential or find the happiness we seek. But entering into a Dark Night is not something that many of us are going to undertake by choice! Settling for mere transitory happiness - as elusive as it may be - becomes a very easy choice when faced with dying to something we count on, like our worldly identity. So most of us will likely resist the Dark Night of the Soul. But God persists! However we try to avoid and resist it, God steadily guides us, gently and mercifully and in the way and timing that is perfect for each on of us, leading us toward our true identity, enabling us to find what we’re truly searching for.
RH: What input can you provide now that you’ve travelled through this Darkness?
JR: As hard as I fought, I find now, upon looking back, that God was guiding me every single step of the way. Even as I resisted, God was showing me the way. God introduced me to every concept, every person, every situation, every emotion that I would need in order to live into who God had created me to be. I thank God for the darkness because of what it led me to.
RH: This seems like a lonely experience, what type of support can you recommend for those who find themselves in a Dark Night?
Along with knowing that we can count on God to lead us, even when we have no sense of where that’s taking us, most of us need a journey-mate, a guide – someone who has an indomitable trust of the process and knows how to follow God. That’s where a spiritual director comes in. When you have someone who is trained in spiritual direction and who understands the journey and the territory of a dark night of the soul, you gain the courage and the support to lean way into the experience, to move beyond your limited human perception so that you may see it with your deeper spiritual eye – with the eye of your heart – where you can rest assured that you, too, will find your Source of abiding Peace and Joy and Love.
RH: After learning more about Dark Night of the Soul, it seems as though our world, society, and culture is going through some sort of a Dark Night. What are your thoughts on this?
Just as we must go through our own individual dark night in order to be transformed into our new, true self, the same applies to the transformation of our world. If all we can see is the dark night, if we believe that this will last forever and that it’s all gloom and doom, then – individually or globally – we will succumb to depression and anxiety. If, however, we can open our heart to the deeper, truer, bigger picture – the one that includes the radiant new self/world that will ultimately emerge from the darkness, then we can facilitate and be a part of its unfolding.
As both a spiritual psychologist and trained spiritual director, Rentzel works with individuals to address the underlying core issues that block abilities to live life to its fullest. Learning how to tap into our own innate resources to heal, she works with clients and directees to bring their lives back to a place where they’re reflecting more peace, joy, and love.
Rentzel is also a ministry partner of Retreat House and offers weekly, guided meditations VIA ZOOM on Wednesdays from 5-6 p.m. and Thursdays from Noon - 1 p.m. (Central Standard Time). Beginning and experienced meditators welcome!
Dr, Jana Rentzel, also an artist, standing next to her piece “Transcendence.”
From the great Jesuit mystic-priest, Anthony DeMello:
“When the eye is unobstructed, the result is sight.
When the ear is unobstructed, the result is hearing.
When the mind is unobstructed, the result is truth.
When the heart is unobstructed, the result is joy and love.”
Night Before Day: A Look Inside the Dark with Jana Rentzel was compiled by Emily Turner, writer and trained spiritual director. Emily has travelled through her own Dark Night. If you’re interested in setting up a spiritual direction session, she would love to hear from you.
To make an appointment with Jana or contact her, you can send her a note here.
Retreat House will be exploring Dark Night of the Soul in the next few months. Rev. Dr. Lil Smith, founder and director of RH, will be sharing sentiments and her experience around Dark Night in our next piece in this series Exploring the Darkness.