A passion for compassion: An interview with Charles and Conoly Barker
Have you ever noticed the Charter for Compassion framed in the library at Retreat House Spirituality Center?
The Charter sits on top of the bookshelf in the St. Ignatius Study. While it sits unassumingly in this room, its words are powerful and there’s some rich history as to how it got here.
It also contains words that embody the spirit of Retreat House. It is part of the sacred story of this covenant community, words that come to life through healing days, writer’s group, House of books, weekly interfaith prayer, and the many online and in-person offerings as well as spiritual conversations that happen here every day.
Chesed, one of the core values of Retreat House, is the Hebrew word for loving kindness.
Loving kindness invites us to consider the interconnectedness of human beings as well as the idea of extending hospitality to ourselves and to others. If we believe that God looks upon us with this love and compassion, wouldn’t it be easier to extend this same compassion to ourselves and others?
Like many things, this is easier said that done. It takes cultivation and also perhaps a little exploration of our individual, interior space, first, to see how we might give ourselves grace, before we can think about giving others room.
We recently connected with Charles and Conoly Barker who are doing just that - cultivating spaces and conversations that lead to more compassion.
As founders and board members of Compassionate DFW, a formal ministry partner of RH, the Barker’s are committed to work in the area of compassion. What a delight to visit with this husband and wife team who not only partner together in life but also in ministry.
Discover more of their passion for compassion in this interview:
Retreat House: Let’s start simple. How did you get involved with this work?
Charlie: I have been involved with the *Charter for Compassion since it started in 2009.
Retreat House: I have seen the Charter in the library at RH, but I don’t know the history of it or it’s purpose. I did have a chance to attend a Compassionate DFW meeting several years back when I was working in arts fundraising but I don’t have the full picture of this work and how it came about. Will you share some of that with me?
Charlie: It all started out with Karen Armstrong’s TED talk back in 2008. After Armstrong won the Ted Talk prize, her wish was that the three monotheistic religions would come together and form a single-page charter for compassion that would show the world how much we have in common - specifically The Golden Rule - treating others as we want to be treated. In 2009, the Charter came into being and one of it’s first initiatives was city campaigns where mayors and city councils from all over the world would recommend and affirm the Charter. Dallas/Fort Worth launched a city campaign back in 2014. Fort Worth was the first to become part of the Charter, then Richardson, and then the Dallas mayor’s office.
Retreat House: How does Compassionate DFW connect to the Charter?
Charlie: Compassionate DFW was founded in 2015 as a nonprofit organization. Our mission is to collaborate with businesses in the DFW Metroplex to affirm the Charter for Compassion. This can be done through business operations, education and training opportunities. The centric theme is to really encourage the Golden Rule in all situations.
We began to realize that in order to transform the mindset of world to be more loving, we really needed to address educational aspects. Science tells us that we are actually hard wired for empathy, kindness and compassion, but we also know that these attributes are not something that just happens. It must be nurtured and recognized first. We see this with all the violence going on now in the world. This is why the Compassion Integrity Trainings are significant to this work - they equip people with skills and understanding to live a more compassionate life.
Conoly: Compassionate DFW actually came about because the Presbyterian Church as a whole denomination affirmed the Charter. Charlie started a sub-committee on compassionate action, and this group met as a church committee. They were involved in several activities and finally decided they needed to break away and become an entity, a 501 (c) 3 nonprofit. This is how Compassionate DFW was born.
Charlie: Lil Smith, one of the co-founders of Retreat House, was doing her ministry internship at St. Barnabas Presbyterian Church. St. B’s affirmed the Charter early on, and I know Lil really embraced the Charter. The rest is history as to how we became involved with Retreat House.
Retreat House: I love all of the layers and iterations - thank you for sharing. What does the Charter actually say?
Charlie: It essentially is saying that we share a common humanity and embrace the Golden Rule. Treat others as you wish to be treated and don’t treat others as you wouldn’t want to be treated. Before the Charter came into being, The Council of Conscience met in Geneva in 2009 to finalize the Charter. This group consists of individuals from the five major religions and almost every continent. Folks like Desmond Tutu and Dalai Lama were part of this. Anyone can download a copy of the Charter for Compassion.
Retreat House: How did you all become involved in the Compassionate Integrity Trainings (CIT)?
Conoly: The Charter “holds hands” with CIT. Another Charter member down in San Antonio invited us to a training program, and we thought “oh, we could do this (train others)!” We noticed a desire to spread this information to others, so we both attended CIT facilitator training and have been leading trainings ever since. One of our main drivers in doing this work is embracing the idea of education as key to transforming the mindset of the world from self-centeredness to other-centeredness.
Retreat House: When you think of compassion, what are some examples of how to actually show and live it out? How might attending a CIT course teach someone to actually embody and live out a spirit of compassion?
Charlie: I would say ultimately it is a thing of the heart. It is spiritual, but it is also a very practical way of life that leads to the well-being and flourishing of all human beings.
Discernment is also a big part of compassion. It helps inform the action to take. If one doesn’t discern properly, compassion can actually lead to hurting people. For example, you might try to help someone and the helping them could have unintended consequences.
“There is a lot of scientific research on empathy and compassion. Science says these concepts are based on noticing the suffering of others, wishing to help and feeling the agency to do something about it. That means compassion is not the action but rather the motivation to do something.”
Conoly: We talk about interdependence with each other in the Compassion Integrity Training. There is no such thing, as me, myself and I. There is an exercise that talks about a sweater. We invite participants to imagine they own or are wearing a sweater.
What was the processes involved in getting you the sweater?
There was the sheep herder.
The person who spun the wool.
The truckdriver who drove the sweater to the store.
The person who sold the sweater.
“ We are dependent on each other and we can’t just not respect this.”
Photo from Wall Street Journal article Life of a Sheep Herder
Part of the training focuses on exercises in common humanity. Remembering that we all have needs, fears, anxieties, desires. As far as compassion for others, the training teaches us how to respect that. We are all human beings. We are all in this together regardless of one’s station in life, country, culture, religion.
Retreat House: The word that is coming up for me is cultivation. We have to cultivate this way of thinking, this way of noticing. The sweater imagery could be a daily prayer practice.
Charlie: Yes, this way of thinking has to be cultivated and practiced. It doesn’t really come naturally to us folks living in the Western world.
“Also, the idea of treating others as we want to be treated can be especially challenging, because a lot of folks don’t treat themselves that well.”
This is a Western problem. The folks in the Eastern part of the world don’t seem find being compassionate to themselves as challenging as us Westerners.
Retreat House: You are so right. I have noticed many self-compassion meditations out there, especially during the pandemic. We need them! Does the Compassion Integrity Training course help to deprogram any of these not so great Western ideas?
Charlie: Yes, in the training, we cover calming the body and mind which we call the resilience zone. We explore ways to handle these sparks that go off when we are triggered from life events. Generally, we tend to produce a “forest fire” from these little sparks, or triggering moments. In the training, we work to development a toolkit of skills to bring ourselves back to the resilience zone.
This part of the training is focusing on emotional awareness. We call this ethical mindfulness in the training - understanding that our speech and action can become harmful. Once we understand this, we can have increased sensitivity in how we relate to others. We also spend time talking about having unrealistic expectations of ourselves.
The image we use is a picture of a toddler holding a bar bell. How often are we the toddler, expecting ourselves to “lift heavy things” without training or understanding. We must learn to give ourselves grace, to be gentle with ourselves.
Retreat House: How exactly is the training organized and deployed?
Conoly : CIT is divided into three sections designed to improve your individual wellbeing, relationships with others and engagement with the world by increasing your ability to practice the following skills: self-cultivation, relating to others and engaging in systems. The course is spread out over ten weeks, and each week we spend two hours in the training.
Charlie: Each section builds on each other. And we are building awareness of ourselves and our neighbors throughout the training. We also encourage the development and implementation of contemplative practices in between the trainings.
Contemplative walking is a big part of this work. Learning to be mindful with things that are in your path. You might see a leaf and you might learn to admire it’s colors, it’s texture, the season, where before, you might have just kept on walking. This training brings a level of sensitivity that you might not have had before. All of this work’s goal is to keep you in that resilience zone.
Retreat House: Resilience zone reminds me of the Lizard Brain or Vagus Nerve. Are these basically the same thing?
Charlie: Yes, it is. All of these terms talk about regulating the nervous system so we are less likely to freeze, flee or fight in situations that might be better suited for calm conversation. These terms all refer to the reptilian brain or amygdala. We absolutely need it for survival, but these days many of us have this part of our brain on high alert. We are quick to blame ourselves, others, and react harshly - responses that are many times a disproportionate reaction to a perceived threat. The resilience zone is being able to call on these reactions in the appropriate way. The CIT course teaches participants to be mindful of it, to notice it and to regulate it.
Retreat House: Makes sense! Shifting gears a bit. What is it like working together?
Conoly: Our dynamic is that he is the leader and I am the support team.
We went to a missionary conference decades ago. One of the speakers was a doctor, and he was talking about the missionaries being the feet that go into the world, but on the bottom of the feet are the support cells. I kind of clamped onto this, and I thought this sounds like my calling – to support the missionary in my life (Charlie).
And, his feet have taken me to some very interesting and special places!
Charlie: She is very generous. I truly believe that Conoly and I are led by the Holy Spirit and have always been and especially after retiring have been open a and wanting to understand world religions. This is significant, because Compassionate DFW is interfaith.
“In our Christian scripture, Jesus tells His disciples He has to go, and they wonder and ask why He has to go. He essentially said to the disciples, ‘I have to go so that the Father will send the Spirit, and the Spirit will lead you into ALL TRUTH.’”
And I’ve thought okay what is truth? So I have I have been open to that, to what truth is. I have been led to interesting places and have always felt a call to venture into areas that were not establish so to speak. I remember when I was in private practice as a physician. At the time, little work was being done in Diabetes.
So many of these Diabetic patients were blind or experiencing kidney failure within 20 years. I refused to believe that. Even though I was in family practice, I ended up developing a sub-practice and created one of the first Diabetes education programs in the country. So I kind of connect this story, this pattern in my life to the work we are doing now - this compassion space. It is an example of going into uncharted territory like the Diabetes work.
It all feels like following the truth.
When I read the Charter, I was like, well this is a no brainer. It is talking about Jesus’ core message.
Charlie and Conoly Barker
The Barker’s will host at Compassion Integrity Training Course at Retreat House Spirituality Center beginning April 12 in the evening. Find out more and register here.
*The Charter for Compassion is a document that urges the peoples and religions of the world to embrace the core value of compassion. The charter currently is available in more than 30 languages and has been endorsed by more than two million individuals around the globe.
Charter for Compassion International, the Charter's supporting organization, has enrolled 400 communities in 54 countries in its Compassionate Communities campaign and has partnered with more than 3,000 organizations to spread the Charter's message of compassion in 13 sectors: the arts, business, education, environment, healthcare, peace, religion/spirituality/interfaith, science & research, social sciences and restorative justice. There is no cost to affirm the Charter.
This article was written by Emily Turner. Part of Emily’s ministry and desire is to facilitate spiritual and emotional healing through listening, loving presence, prayer, and writing. She is a trained spiritual director. With both her background in journalism and training in spiritual direction, Emily is a compassionate listener. She asks intuitive questions, gently companioning with those she works with to live into their true selves. Email Emily.