Healing in the dark

Healing in the dark by Tamara Ramirez

I laid there in fetal position, crying, screaming, and begging while banging my head on the ledge of a hotel bathtub. The pain and fear were so intense I had to find some way to let it out. We had already been in this season of darkness for four years. Done everything we, and everyone else we knew, could think of. Yet I still found myself alone, in a strange bathroom, naked and screaming at God.

I mean, seriously, hadn’t He promised that if I worked hard, did everything the leading parenting experts of our time advised, and loved Him with my whole heart it would go well for me? Isn’t that the magic formula for a happy life? Look at me? Why did I buy into such a lie?

Two weeks earlier it had happened again. I got a phone call. I was in a staff meeting and recognized the number, so I excused myself and took the call. It was the director of an eating recovery center I had checked my daughter into several hours earlier. Our sweet 17-year-old had been doing so well. She graduated from high school two years early, had a part-time job and was taking classes at a local community college.

I could not have been prouder of how she took on the challenges she faced with OCD. They told me my little girl was rushed to a stand-alone ER nearby because she made another attempt on her life.

it was in the darkness of this season God started healing me. I began seeing darkness as a womb and not my enemy. For the first time, I was able to see that God is not a transactional God. The idea that if I am “good” He will give me good is a lie and was keeping me enslaved.

Are you in a season of darkness? Is God bringing you healing and freedom in this process? 

Listen to this song by Trevor Hall You Can’t Rush Your Healing to accompany you in this time of reflection.

This Wilderness Wandering reflection was written by Retreat House community partner, trained spiritual director, writer and registered nurse Tamara Ramirez.

Visit her website to learn more about her work and ministry.

Healing in the Dark was originally published in Tamara’s book The Frozen Desert: A Contemplative Lenten Journey. Purchase your copy.

You are invited to participate with Retreat House Spirituality Center as we journey together throughout Lent and move towards Easter.

We are in a time of Wilderness Wanderings. The question is do these Wanderings have a purpose? What will we learn? Do we have someone who is guiding us, calling us, wrestling with us, accompanying us? Do we wish to go back when we see what lies before us?

The Wilderness is a holy place, with deep invitations to be present, connect to the land and the space we find ourselves, to seek the God who at times seems to be so absent yet is so present. New here? Sign up to receive our weekly meditations and communications.