Baptism Revisited

By Jackie Linden-Schade

When I was about seven years old, my mother and I waked to a nearby Roman Catholic Church so that I could be baptized. I had been receiving lessons to prepare me for my First Holy Communion, but I needed to be baptized in order to receive communion. As we walked, my mother told me that I was not to tel anyone about the baptism.

“Why not ?” I asked her.

“Because most people are baptized as babies.”

I asked the obvious question. “Why wasn’t I baptized as a baby?”

My mother responded by saying, “Well, I thought about it, and I had planned to ask a woman I knew to be your Godmother. But, she said that she was Godmother to so many children that it was getting to be a burden. I did not want to burden her by asking her to be your Godmother.”

What I heard was that I was a burden. Throughout my short life, she had always told me that I must not be unkind to anyone. I thought her comment was very unkind, and I wondered why she had not made up a lie so that I would not feel bad. Then it registered, perhaps for the first time, that my mother often said one thing, but did another.

I come from a family of deeply broken people and I had no extended family to perhaps balance out the ugliness of what happened in the privacy of our home. But, it would be a mistake to think that I had no help along the way. God was there for me. After many years of life, I have come to the realization that Jesus has been with me from the beginning.

My journey in life has had two aspects, growth in faith and growth in healing. Prior to the birth of my son, Christopher, I had not been part of any formal church connection. After the birth of my son, my German mother-in-law insisted that he be baptized in a Lutheran church. And, on the day of his baptism at Good Shepherd Lutheran Church in Romeovile, Illinois, I received a “two for the price of one” special.

What drew me to that congregation, more than anything, was the strong focus on God’s grace. When I became a member of the congregation, it felt like a homecoming of sorts. Along the way, as my faith grew, I discerned a call to ordained ministry. I entered seminary, followed the candidacy process, and was ordained.

I loved the work involved in my chosen vocation. However, it did come with some personal challenges for me. One of those challenges was our church’s focus on baptism. Periodically, there would be gatherings which included other pastors. When baptism was the topic of conversation, we were encouraged to tell the story of our own baptism, I knew that it was well intentioned. After all, if our human parents loved us enough to bring us for baptism, imagine how much God must have loved welcoming us into God’s family! But, my own story was painful, and I did not want to share this with anyone else.

Often, I would pray during these events. I would pray to God, “God, where is my own baptism story?” I know that baptism is baptism, regardless of how it happens, but where is the story that I can share and feel good about?”

It took a long time but, finally, in 2009, God gave me my own story.

It began unexpectedly, With the encouragement of a friend, I was considering whether or not I wanted to be certified to scuba dive. I had planned to take a “Discover Scuba” class through a local dive shop. But, in order to do this, I needed to have a medical form signed by my doctor. My doctor was willing to sign off on it, but she wanted an EKG performed by a cardiologist. When I went to visit the cardiologist and told her that I was considering whether or not I wanted to be certified to be a scuba diver, she looked terrified and I asked me why I didn’t just swim.

{Next week, enjoy part 2 of Baptism Revisited to read this full essay by Linden-Schade.}

Baptism Revisited was written by Rev. Dr. Jackie Linden-Schade and originally published in House of Hope, a publication of Retreat House Spirituality Center. You can purchase a copy here.